Show respect. Never ridicule or humiliate a child. Recognize each child’s differences, and adjust expectations accordingly. Don’t play favorites or otherwise allow a child to perceive that you don’t like him. Be careful with sarcasm.
Be patient. With some kids, building strong rapport can seem to take forever. That’s okay. Kids need the freedom to develop relationships at a pace that’s comfortable for them. Take your cues from their timeline.
Stay professional. Don’t let kids overhear you talking about other students. Most organizations have confidentiality rules that prohibit this. Besides, it’s just plain rude. Show respect to other adults as well, in how you address them and how you refer to them.
Establish clear boundaries. Many youth workers make the mistakes of trying to be too “friendly” with kids. Make sure roles are well established and that it is clear that you are the adult. Don’t discuss your personal life or ask for advice from a child. Avoid with ambiguous physical contact.
Be genuine. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Kids respect adults who are authentic, and see right through those who try to act like kids themselves in a misguided effort to be perceived as “cool.” We want kids to be proud of who they are and stay true to themselves: why should they expect any different from us?
Stick to your word. If you say you’ll do it, do it. No questions asked. Kids often need to see your integrity in action before they can develop trust. Plus, you are setting a wonderful example of strong character. Kids need to know they can depend on you, whatever the circumstances.
Be consistent. Kids do best within a regular structure. Knowing what to expect helps reduce anxiety and gives kids a sense of control over their environment. Also, be consistent with implementing limits. The consequence for misbehavior should be a function of the misbehavior, not of external factors like mood, time constraints, or patience level.
Strive for balance. Not wanting to be a pushover can cause you to keep too tight a reign on kids. On the other hand, fear of being perceived as too “mean” could result in letting kids get away with too much. Try to find a reasonable middle ground. Recognize that you can be firm without sacrificing either your relationship or opportunities for growth.
Listen. Many kids don’t have caring adults in their lives who take the time to pay attention to them and hear what they have to say. Genuinely listening to a child’s concerns, ideas, and dreams does wonders for relationship building. Avoid giving advice; instead, develop questioning skills that help kids solve their own problems.
Show a little faith. Kids need strong advocates. Often, they doubt themselves and what they can do. Having an ally in the form of a caring, supportive adult can help kids achieve things they never dreamed. Letting them know you believe in them is the first step to teaching them how to believe in themselves.
For mor on developing relationships with teens, see Communication Blockers and Avoiding Gender Bias.
Susan Carney - I have been working as a middle school counselor with 6th and 7th grade students for the past thirteen years. I received a BA in ...
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