How do your kids approach social conflicts? Their conflict style may have a huge influence on the outcome of their disagreements, as well as on the quality of their social relationships in general. Try to identify which of these three main styles your students use, and help them learn more effective strategies, if needed.
The Passive Approach
These teens are likely to have trouble communicating and advocating for their needs. They may be afraid to stand up for themselves, either because their self-worth is low or because they lack good communication skills. As a result, other kids realize early on that these kids can be pushed around with little repercussion. These students may be more likely to have problems making friends or to be bullied. The relationships that they do have are often unfulfilling because they allow their “friends” to treat them badly, yet they don’t know how to change this dynamic.
The Aggressive Approach
Students who use this style are often confrontational and intimidating in their personal interactions. They can use threatening verbal or body language and often don’t seem to care about the other person’s needs. Their sole goal is to get what they want. Cooperation may be difficult for them, and their approach to other people may be abrasive. They may resort to name-calling or threats to get their way. These kids are more likely to be the bulliers, causing other students to fear or avoid them. If they use this same approach with authority figures, they may wind up with discipline and other problems.
The Assertive Approach
These kids know how to get their needs met while respecting the needs of others. They know how to cooperate and compromise, and their goal is to achieve a win-win outcome. Their verbal approach is respectful and solution-oriented. These kids have learned effective communication and problem-solving skills. They listen to others, but are able to make their own needs and ideas known in an assertive manner. This is the ideal approach to use in most situations so that everyone comes out a winner.
What Can You Do?
- Model assertive problem-solving. Make sure kids see you handling conflicts respectfully yet assertively. You can even verbalize the steps as you go to enhance learning. For example, you might make a comment such as, “I want to make sure he hears what I am saying, but I don’t want to come on too strong.”
- Role play how to handle conflicts. Kids need guided practice in developing respectful yet productive responses to conflict situations. They also often have a hard time recognizing and interpreting the subtleties of feelings and intent in spoken language. Help them process these, as well.
- Work on communication skills. When a teen verbalizes how they feel during a conflict, not only does it help the other person understand their point of view, it helps the teen clarify their own feelings, as well. Help teens learn to use “I messages,” reflect the other person’s perspective back to them, and use good listening skills.
Susan Carney - I have been working as a middle school counselor with 6th and 7th grade students for the past thirteen years. I received a BA in ...
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