Anyone who works with teen girls knows how difficult it can be to sort out their social problems and get to the root of relationship problems. But why do these problems start in the first place?
The Importance of Social Status
Girls place a high value on their social relationships, and any threat to their standing in a social group can shake their self-esteem. As a result, they will do almost anything to maintain or increase their status in that group. Sometimes that can mean taking sides, spreading gossip, shutting girls out, or any other behavior that keeps them in a “one-up” position.
Social Skills Deficits
Drama builds when problems escalate due to the above behaviors. Without the ability to diffuse conflicts and preserve the fabric of the group, girls resort to the responses they are familiar with. They see a conflict, perceive that their status is at risk, panic, and react.
Poor Role Models
Many girls lack the skills to resolve conflicts in respectful and productive ways. They are often not taught how to do this, and instead must rely on the models of problem-solving that they encounter in their every day life. Tabloid television shows, gossip magazines, and trashy celebrity behavior also help to normalize the idea that public displays of hyped-up conflict are acceptable ways to deal with problems and gain attention at the same time. Unfortunately, girls are watching, and learning.
Common Communication Mistakes
Assumptions and Conclusions
Many problems occur or escalate because girls base their beliefs solely on rumors, body language, and behavior. They can quickly decide that someone is “mad at me” based on a perceived slight or an offhand comment. Or, they may believe that a friend is trash talking them based on a random rumor. Instead of going to the source for verification, they often accept their perception as reality and then respond accordingly.
Taking Sides
Girls often take sides under the pretense of being “supportive”, but often they are using someone else’s conflict as a chance to exert their own power or retaliate for a perceived past injustice. Problems become harder to solve when whole groups of girls begin taking sides in what originated as a conflict between two people. Side conflicts emerge, misunderstanding are rampant, and it can become difficult to tease out and stay focused on the main issue.
“Catastrophizing”
Girls often perceive that problems are worse or more difficult to solve than they really are. Because girls are so emotionally invested in their personal relationships, threats to their status can easily seem like the “end of the world”. The tendency to react disproportionately to the situation also increases the levels of attention and perceived urgency.
Impulsive Responses
Girls often respond without taking the time to think through their options. Emotional reactions to situations can get in the way of more rational problem-solving. Behaviors such as spreading rumors, making nasty comments, isolating friend, and cutting off friendships escalate problems and heighten the level of “drama”.
For more on this topic, including suggestions about how to help girls deal with these issues, see Relational Aggression and Teens.
Susan Carney - I have been working as a middle school counselor with 6th and 7th grade students for the past thirteen years. I received a BA in ...
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